Everyone knows about his 60 Minutes interview (bottom of the page if you’re interested), his billions of dollars, and his shady business dealings with thirdworld countries, but Mikhail Prokhorov wants to toss all that aside and make a new name for himself. That might not be the only name change he had in mind though, as he’s already said he’s open to change New Jersey’s moniker from the Nets to—well, something else. We’re here to help, Mr. Prokhorov. Freaknick’s Final Four (remember to vote on the bottom!):
New Jersey Pro-Shore-ovs: Starring (left to right, top row first): Chris Douglas-Roberts aka ‘CD-Burner’; Terrence ‘The Molar’ Williams; Courtney Lee aka ‘The Theory’; Devin ‘Dooki’ Harris; Mikhail Prokhorov aka ‘Mosc-woww’; Yi Jianlian aka ‘DragonBall-Yi’; Brook Lopez aka ‘The Brookworm’.
New Jersey Mikhs: Prokhorov is already the Tsar of New Jersey, and I can’t imagine he’ll be content to stop there. Step #1 of invading enemy territory? You’re lookin’ at it. Don’t think he won’t do it.
New Jersey Snookis: Quite simply, a match made in Heaven. Actually, more like a match made in New Jersey, which is quite the opposite. But you see what I’m getting at. And after a 12-70 record in 2010, is there any team more accustomed to being knocked nearly unconscious? They’ll be their own little support group. At 4’9″—this according to the always-ish, sometimes-usually reliable Yahoo Answers—she could run a dirty little point guard. I’d like to see John Wall pull off slutty blue eye shadow
New Jersey Douchemeats: The guy who grunts when he lifts and throws his weights down unnecessarily hard. The guy who slams down his glass and howls after a tequila shot. The guy who updates everyone as to how many beverages he’s consumed that night, all night. The guy who yells out unfunny one-liners in public settings. You might know him as a douche bag. Or maybe a meathead. Why fumble for words when you can just slap ’em together: Douchemeat (trust me, it saves time). New Jersey is a hotbed for these meats of douche. Run with it, Mikhail.
So what’s it going to be, world? We’ll be sure to forward the results to Mr. Prokhorov himself. Place your votes below.
While you’re mulling over your decision, get to know the 6’8″ Russian who’s shaking up the basketball world: