The Acropolis Basketball Tournament was rolling along smoothly. Then this happened during the “friendly” between Greece and Serbia. This one might challenge Inception for an Oscar:
0:01: It all gets started when Greek’s own Antonis Fotsis goes after the Euroleague MVP Milos Teodosic. Fotsis tells Milos that he never would’ve won if it weren’t for the flaws in the voting system.
0:05: Dimitris Diamantidis runs over to put an end to all the commotion but then hears the topic of conversation and begins to panic. After all, he’s a 5-time Euroleague Defensive Player of the Year, and if the ballots’ legitimacy is called into question then so is his legacy. He urges Antonis to just let it go.
0:09: And while we’re talking trophies, guess who won the 2009 Euroleague Rising Star Award? You got it: Novica Velickovic. So it’s no wonder when Novica—still clinging tightly to the prize he won with Partizan—is next on the scene to stop Fotsis from spreading his slanderous filth.
0:11: The first blow comes courtesy of a floppy-wristed bitch jab by Milos Teodosic. Antonis Fotsis just got Serbed.
0:14: Fotsis retaliates by going after the mullet that Teodosic has been working on, like, all summer.
0:17: New Olympiacos coach Dusan Ivkovic has always thought of his teams as fraternities, and Marko Keselj happens to be Oly’s newest pledge. So after Ivkovic got suspended from the game for a second technical, he commanded that Marko protect the MVP at all costs, otherwise he’d forfeit his pledgeship in Phi Kappa Piraeus. Afraid of returning to live with his mother, it’s Marko to the rescue.
0:24: Milos bear hugs Sofo and begs him to reconsider his new deal with Maccabi.
0:26: Sofo swears it all could’ve been avoided if Milos had just accepted his friend request on Facebook. Milos tells Sofo that he’s just more of a MySpace guy, claims it’s nothing personal.
0:30: Marko Keselj attempts to shave the guy who stole Kostas Kamakoglou’s jersey number’s cheek with his knuckle hairs, a feat not accomplished in FIBA play since the early 60′s. He then confronts an unidentified Greek man about his poor choice of plaid shorts, which Marko later explained were “just dreadful.”
0:35: Fotsis, still pissed that Diamantidis wouldn’t let him get to his point earlier, finds Teodosic to finish his argument. He tackles him to the ground because the acoustics are always better when buried beneath an angry mob. Um…duh.
0:42: Krstic realizes the cameras are rolling and knows what beating up Schortsanitis could do for his rep back in the mean streets of Oklahoma City. He sees his opening and goes in for the rock ‘em sock ‘em elbow bends.
0:43: Schortsanitis claims to have bitten repeatedly by an unknown insect. Said it felt like “the blunt end of a thumb tack drumming on my shoulder.” Top Greek entomologists could not be reached for comment.
0:46: Some lady with a blind hairstylist turns her head from the action to ask her friend Jessica what she thought of Eat, Pray, Love. Jessica thinks Julia Roberts was “so amazing” but books are, like, always better than the movies, you know?
0:49: Sofo gets tired of thumping his Olympiacos teammate in the face and decides to go find that darn bug.
0:50: Krstic raises his arms to call “timeout” but the ref has lost his whistle in the fray. So he employs Sun Tzu’s famous “Back the hell up” war tactic.
0:51: Krstic crosses onto the court where, legend has it, there was once a basketball game between Greece and Serbia which Greece led 74-73.
0:59: Krstic’s thin wisps of hair flutter through the air, giving him an aerodynamicism rivaled only by Scott Pollard.
1:03: After prancing nearly 40 feet in hot pursuit of the back pedaling Krstic, Sofo is out of breath and abandons the mission. A clear indication that conditioning might be Greece’s Achilles heel in Turkey.
1:06: Just as things seem to be settling down, Nenad takes a jean shorts-related verbal stab at Ioannis Bourousis. After carefully color coordinating the back pocket of his jorts with his hand’s cast, he’s not about to take this one lying down. After all, Ioannis wasn’t about to buy jorts with just any splatter of paint on the ass pockets. That would be in poor taste.
1:09: Nenad tells Ioannis the best way to repent for his fashion sins is to sit down immediately and shield the world’s eyes from his God awful jortage. Getting antsy and frustrated with Ioannis’ lack of cooperation, he finds a chair himself in hopes it would speed up the process. Turns out he only compounded the problem by getting blood stains all over Ioannis’ nifty Dri-Fit polo. Brand new, too. Shame.